In our clinic’s waiting room, there is a scene we see almost every day. The patient goes into the consultation room, and outside someone sits waiting. One day it is a daughter holding her mother’s handbag. Another day it is a husband turning a stack of test results over and over in his hands. Once it was a mother sitting next to her teenage child, not saying much, just being there.
These people don’t write prescriptions, and they don’t place needles. But the longer we practice, the more we believe they contribute a great deal to how treatment turns out.
The hardest part of treatment usually happens at home
Traditional medicine is rarely a matter of one visit and one dose of medicine. A course of treatment often lasts several weeks, sometimes a few months. Herbal decoctions have to be taken every day, acupuncture sessions have to be attended in full, and eating, foods to avoid, and sleep and rest routines also need adjusting little by little. At each follow-up visit, the doctor sees the patient for a few dozen minutes. The rest of the time, patients are on their own.
Many courses of treatment break off right in the gap between two follow-up visits. Patients still want to get well; life is simply busy. One dose is forgotten, then another. It rains, so the acupuncture session gets pushed back. Feeling a bit better, they stop taking the medicine. Some people are simply too tired, too discouraged, with no strength left to keep going.
A family member at their side cannot do the medicine’s job, but they can keep the patient going, through very small things repeated for long enough.
Older parents often hesitate to ask their children for help
Older people have a habit that is both endearing and worrying: they are afraid of bothering their children. When they are in pain, they say "it’s nothing". When they can’t sleep, they say "that’s just getting old". When a follow-up visit comes around and they feel awkward asking their child for a ride, they quietly let it go.
Some parents sit in the consultation room listening to the doctor’s very detailed instructions, and by the time they get home they remember only half. Whether to take the medicine before or after meals, what to avoid, how long until the next visit… Just having one of their children sit in and jot a few lines into a phone cuts down on a lot of mix-ups.
Children don’t have to be with their parents every day either. Many who live far away still find their own way to be there: a call at the time of the evening dose, a question like "did you sleep well last night, Mom?", or one time arranging to take Dad to his follow-up even when work is piling up. Parents feel all of it. Knowing someone is paying attention, older people are often more willing to be honest about what is bothering them in their body, and that is exactly what the doctor needs to hear.
Wives often carry it alone
Women often carry many things at once: work, children, housework, and also changes in the body that others can hardly see. The cramps that come with each period, the sleepless nights after giving birth, a long-lasting tiredness that has no name… Often the wife herself hesitates to speak up, for fear of being told she is making a fuss.
The first thing a husband can do is believe that his wife really is unwell. For many women, simply being believed is already half the relief.
The rest is hands-on help. In the evening, he cooks the pot of herbal decoction for her. On the days she has acupuncture, he stays home with the children so she can make every session. If he can arrange it, he sits in on the consultation to hear the doctor’s instructions himself, rather than only hearing them secondhand from his wife. When she is pregnant or in the first months after giving birth, a meal cooked ahead, or a full night’s sleep that her husband protects for her, can mean more than any words of encouragement.
For couples who are trying to conceive, the husband needs to go further still, because this is a journey for both of them. They go to appointments together and adjust their sleep schedules together. Both cut back on alcohol and smoking, and meals at home become more regular. When the husband changes too, the wife no longer feels she is carrying the whole family’s hopes alone.
With children, setting an example works better than instructions
For a child, a cup of bitter medicine is a real challenge. A teenager who has to see a doctor for period pain, acne, or sleeplessness before exam season may find it very hard to put into words. And grown children, who have jobs and families of their own, still sometimes need their parents when they are sick, just as they did when they were little.
Pressuring children usually does little good. A child who gets scolded for skipping medicine often ends up more afraid of the medicine, not necessarily more cooperative. What helps children stick with it is usually their parents’ patience: asking the doctor how to make the medicine easier to take, praising the child for finishing it, asking how they feel today and then truly listening to the answer.
Children learn more with their eyes than with their ears. When the doctor tells a child to go to bed early, eat fewer sweets, and use the phone less in the evening, the child will find it much easier if the whole family does it too, for example parents putting their phones away a little earlier and keeping dinner a little lighter.
Being there doesn’t mean carrying it for them
Patients, whether older parents or young children, still need to be asked what they think, and to be able to say what they want and what they fear. Family members stay close, but they shouldn’t take over every decision. When it is time, remind Mom to take her medicine. But standing over her until she finishes the cup, or scolding her for forgetting yesterday, makes her more likely to feel watched than cared for.
Caring for a family member through a long illness can easily wear you out, and someone who is worn out finds it hard to stay gentle. Share the load within the family, with siblings taking turns driving the patient to appointments. Caregivers are allowed to feel tired, and to say that they are tired.
The days when the doctor isn’t there
The medicine does the medicine’s part, and the needles do the needles’ part. But for a person to finish a course of treatment, through the discouraged days, the forgetful days, the days they just want to give up, what keeps them going is often just a family member quietly asking: "Have you taken your medicine today?"
Next time you come for a visit, if you can, bring a family member along. We are always glad to have one more person sitting in on the instructions, because that person will be by the patient’s side for the rest of the way.
