Our post on October 6 told the story of a student in the final year of school. The student was not weak and did fine on mock exams, but just thinking about math and chemistry brought on fear. During the examination, as soon as the student thought about those two subjects, the muscles linked to the stress response became weak. After the doctor calmed each overloaded layer in turn, the student did well on the exams and was accepted to a university abroad.
Today’s article is for parents: when you see signs that your child is afraid of exams, or your child is capable but exam scores don’t reflect it, what you can do at home, and which phrases to avoid.
Signs parents can watch for
- Your child does much better on homework than on the real exam, and this happens again and again.
- Before exams your child often has stomachaches, nausea, a racing heart or broken sleep.
- When a certain subject comes up, your child avoids it, snaps or goes quiet.
- Your child is often "unlucky" right on exam day: forgetting things, getting sick, a mind gone blank.
- Your child says "I’m fine", but keeps putting off studying as the exam gets closer.
Why a capable child still does poorly on exams
Your child both wants and fears the same thing
Psychology calls this an approach–avoidance conflict: there is only one goal, but that goal carries both what you want and what you fear. An exam is exactly that. Your child wants good scores and wants to make you happy. That same exam is also where your child could fail.
Miller (1944) described how, as you get closer to the goal, both tendencies grow stronger, but the avoidance side grows faster. The closer exam day gets, the more the fear takes over. Your child keeps wavering in place, opening the book and then closing it, promising "I’ll study tomorrow", and right before the day feels exhausted and has a stomachache. This model was first developed in animals, so it should be used only to describe the phenomenon, not as a law proven in humans. Even so, it shows parents that a child who is stuck is not stuck for lack of effort.
"I’m fine" may not mean fine
You ask, and your child says "I’m okay". Sometimes your child truly means it. Festinger and Carlsmith (1959) ran an experiment and found that when behavior conflicts with a belief and the behavior cannot be changed, people tend to adjust the belief so they feel all right. Your child cannot skip the exam, so in their head they smooth things over, while the body stays just as tense.
That is why asking directly, "Are you under pressure?", will usually get a "no". Your child isn’t lying; they are telling you what they have already adjusted in their head.
Whose goal is this?
At a recent workshop on stress, we used five elements to see whether a wish flows smoothly or where it is getting stuck: I want it, it is possible, I need it, I am capable, I deserve it. For students, the two that most often get blocked are "I need it" and "I am capable". If good scores are more the parents’ wish than the child’s, your child may still say they want it, but inside they have not agreed. Some students believe in the goal but don’t believe they can reach it, and those students will back away before they even try.
Phrases to avoid
"You have to try harder." Many students who fear exams are the ones who are already trying. This phrase adds weight right where they are already overloaded.
"Be determined, stop being scared." Stress weakens the ability to self-regulate. Oaten and Cheng (2005) followed university students through exam season and found that the stressful period came with poorer self-control in many areas at once. And "determination" needs exactly that ability, just when your child has the least of it.
"You’re lazy", "you don’t concentrate". Take the example of a child who keeps avoiding math. If you think your child is lazy, all that is left is scolding. If you understand that your child is afraid, you can ask, "Which part scares you the most?", and that is where there is room to help.
"Why can your friend pass and you can’t?" When put side by side with a friend, your child starts measuring their own worth against that friend. The exam then becomes a test of whether your child is worth anything, and the fear grows heavier.
What parents can do
Don’t bring it up right when you find out about a poor score. Wait until dinner, or a family walk, then ask gently: "When you think about math, how do you feel inside?", "Which part is hardest for you?". Asking about feelings usually opens up more than asking about scores. If your child says "no" once, don’t be too quick to feel reassured. When your child is able to talk about it, you can name what they are going through: "You’re not weak. You want to do well and you’re afraid of not doing well, that’s why you’re so tired." Some children feel more relieved hearing that than hearing words of encouragement.
Parents should also ask themselves: do I want my child to achieve this for my child’s sake, or for mine? Does my child know what they want after the exam?
When the nervous system is on guard, more hours of study don’t necessarily mean higher scores. Calm things down first, then think about adding more work: protect your child’s sleep, cut back on rapid-fire reminders, and give your child a real break.
If you need support, at Tam Duc Clinic the doctor examines using Applied Kinesiology to find which layers of the body the fear is affecting, then helps calm each layer in turn. Exam results still depend on the student’s own preparation. What we aim for is to help the student, once seated in the exam room, use what they have learned.
When to see a mental health specialist
Exam fear is common, but some signs mean you should take your child to a mental health specialist early: sadness or a feeling of emptiness lasting more than two weeks, loss of interest in things they used to enjoy, being unable to sleep even when they have the chance, or thoughts of self-harm. If so, don’t wait until after the exams.
If you would like to bring your child in for an examination, you can book an appointment at Tam Duc Clinic at 0345.22.33.19 (Zalo).
This content is for reference only and does not replace an in-person consultation with a doctor.
If your child talks about hurting themselves, stay with them, do not leave them alone, and take them to the nearest emergency room or call 115 (the emergency number in Vietnam) right away.
References
- Miller N. E. (1944). Experimental studies of conflict. Trong Hunt J. McV. (Ed.), Personality and the Behavior Disorders.
- Festinger L., Carlsmith J. M. (1959). Cognitive consequences of forced compliance. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 58(2).
- Oaten M., Cheng K. (2005). Academic examination stress impairs self-control. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(2).
- Coleman J. C. (1970). Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life.
- Tài liệu workshop "Khoa học thần kinh trong định danh và xử lý stress – Level 2" (AKNU, 27/09/2026).
